I haven’t been writing well these last few weeks. I’m barely bringing in three thousand words per week, which for someone accustomed to more like three thousand words per day is distressing. Of course I’m well aware that I’m the person to blame (and not just because well, I’m literally the one not getting my word counts met). I’m putting myself under an immense amount of pressure to write a lot, have fully-fledged layered plots, choose the genre I want to stick to (even though who said you had to stick to one) and oh yea, most importantly, write the best I can. I think sometimes I aim for too much… I bite off more than I can chew and well, I fall and choke. It’s like there’s a sand glass above my head speeding empty too quickly. My mother thinks this is insane as I’m only 22. She keeps saying, “Well you know you have an entire life of writing in front of you.’ But have you ever felt like if you don’t grasp something and hold on to it in this very instant you’ll lose it? That’s how I feel and trust me the panic is enough to give anyone a heart attack.
I’ll be a fully fledged lawyer in 2013 barring some unforseen problem like me flunking out of law school because my Muse decided FINALLY to show up for business and I can’t stop writing. But yea, barring something like that happening I will be out of law school in May and added to the Antiguan Bar around October or November ’13. With that will come the fully fledged lawyer hours and lawyer workload which aren’t pretty. If my internship was anything to go by I won’t have much time to write much less complete three rough drafts per year until I think my writing is up to the standard of starting “The Book.” So on nights like last night while I cried out the frustration and the anxiety I wanted to quit. Sometimes I regret the day I picked up my dull pencil and wrote that God awful story about five year old police secret agents when I was about six. I’ve not been able to look back since.
This post was supposed to be a goodbye post – a sort of I’m taking this blog down and I’ll be focussing on doing what I know will work out for me. I was planning to put on my “Lawyer Rilzy” cap and put this writing thing behind me. Except, it sounds false even as I think about typing about it. I’d probably sooner stop breathing.
I follow Ni’cola Mitchell on Twitter and every couple of days she tweets: “Believe with all of your heart that you will do what you were made to do.” This is a quote by Orison Swett Marden from his book ‘The Miracle of Right Thought.’ It’s stuck with me. It might be because it sits so innocuously in Twitter feed so often. I realize that quitting, as easy as it might seem now will be the hard road in the end. I have no doubt that this is what I was made to do. I’ve got the word ‘Writer’ imprinted across the top of my soul. I guess it is about time to believe that I can do it.